Speakers Bureau

Description of the video:

all right well hello and welcome to the
indiana farmers market community of
practice webinar courageous
conversations confrontation without
conflict i am christina ferolli the
grants program coordinator for the
indiana cooperative development center
with us today we have charlotte
westerhouse renfro who has a masters in
education and a law degree and is an
assistant clinical professor
in the department of management and
business law
dean faculty fellow and the faculty
chair of undergraduate programs at
kelley school of business in
indianapolis
where she teaches business law
negotiations team dynamics leadership
diversity and organizations and cultural
intelligence
charlotte is an indiana university
bicentennial professor a title earned by
only 24 other faculty in the indiana
university system
in addition charlotte has is a
co-recipient of the charles vance
chancellor community scholar award
the evening mbta teaching
sorry evening mba teaching excellence
award the otison teaching award the
iupui athletics favorite professor award
won twice
and the indiana bicentennial medal for
the extraordinary extraordinary service
and impact she has had at indiana
university and its communities
charlotte has dedicated much of her
career speaking and providing meaningful
counsel to businesses nonprofits and
educational institutions on how to
create innovative and inclusive cultures
charlotte has her jd from the mower
school in bloomington and earned her bs
in journalism and
and
med from ohio university i want to
remind everyone to please remain muted
during the presentation
and you may drop your questions in the
chat or if you have a burning question
and like charlotte to answer you please
use the um the icons and raise a little
hand and we'll get to you and
and have you ask your question
also you may have um you may have to
print the
conflict management style assessment
tool that was emailed to you earlier
this morning to complete the assessment
so thank you and welcome charlotte
thank you christina for that fantastic
introduction and indeed i do feel very
very welcome
and excited to be meet with you today
now before we get started uh one of the
things i really like about your
organization is yes i am an avid
[Music]
participant or shopper at farmers
markets
um my parents are from a southern state
they were they they raised me in
cleveland but they were raised in
southern states uh and it used
embarrassing so bad but we had always
had a huge half acre garden in the city
at our house
and so
for me the idea of going to the farmer's
market and if you're anywhere in
cleveland it's called a west side market
back in the day when i was a child it
was humongous what you call a farmer's
market there and that's where we got all
our fresh fruits our vegetables our
meats our jellies and our jams and so
i'm a real real advocate and i now live
in a part of my in indianapolis where i
have lots of shade trees the only thing
i can grow is hostas the only thing i
attract is deer so
one day saying i'm gonna go out and give
me a half acre and uh or until then i'm
gonna be frequenting many of the
fantastic farmer markers that are in the
area
so let's go ahead and get started and i
love your logo i had to put it on the
front page
it's very very very very vibrant not
only the vegetables the honey the
flowers all of that yes i i really like
it a lot
now before we go into the courageous
conversation the conversation part let's
start with courage
the key to
courage and i am going to ask a few
questions of you but first let me do
this i'm going to do this very very
quickly
what do you think of or who do you think
of
when you hear the word
courage
usually what comes to mind
if we're not thinking about someone of
course in our family we think of heroes
folks that through their courage
changed politics
nations
saved lives did something significant
that had a huge impact on a great enough
amount of people
uh you look up there on your screen to
the left nelson mandela who
in his and being in prison for almost
half or more in his life came out and
ended our apartheid
we've got the pilot who actually took a
plane and landed it and one way someone
said it was a one in almost 1.2 million
chance he was going to land that plane
in the river i think the hudson river
outside new york and yet he did it
mother teresa
same way someone extremely peaceful
working in adverse conditions in her in
her country of india
phantom full of disease
saving people firefighters who run in
continually run into the face of the
they know if they don't if they don't go
in people will die and actually has the
real prospect of killing them but they
do it to save lives i think amelia
earhart i don't go anywhere without my
phone in my map quest right but she went
into a plane and would fly over oceans
without any idea as far as a map and all
she had was a compass
and she did it when basically there
weren't any women or female role models
courage we think also if we go back in
the history of our country the aftermath
of 9 11
and what happened in new york city and
the individuals who were common citizens
not to mention the paramedics and
firefighters
who save lives and also perish but
common citizens helping each other out
and finally let's think about what's
going on right now in the wave of this
pandemic
so
many front line workers whether they be
in the medical profession whether they
be teachers i actually saw a special uh
last night on a news uh broadcast where
police officers a great number of them
are dying because of their being first
responders in the era of covet
yes when we think of courage we think of
a lot of people but here's the question
for you
let's bring it on home let's bring it to
what you're probably doing right now
how courageous are you
at work
and i'll do a little bit of a poll a
very quick poll
and you can go into the chat and maybe
i'll check the chat out here in a minute
and see how who responds to this poll
um but i'm gonna ask you this quick
question
more courageous
and now i think i will go into into the
chat
who doesn't know i guess i will who's
more courageous
oh it says here the slides did not load
are you saying that christina
yeah for some reason
it says resume slideshow
okay let me just stop right now
just refresh
okay i'ma stop let me stop the share
let me
okay i'm sorry about that glad you
caught me
let's go into
just a minute here
no that didn't work
we will get this
okay
can you can you see that
no
good okay let's do this
they were up
before and then and then they stopped
okay
so
let's see what we're gonna do here
you should be able to share
i'm gonna do it now and share the screen
and it's not there
which means i'm going to open it again
just one sec
let's open
let's go like this
i'm gonna go to slideshow
from current slide
let me go here
share screen
can you see it now
yes perfect thank you
no problem let's see
let's go
to
and are you seeing the full screen or
the slides on the side
the full screen
fantastic
so let's see if we can catch up
well now the full screen is a full
screen moving nope
okay let's see here
okay just a second before it's moving on
my side let me just go here
so one more thing
there we go no now we're on panel
now you're on panel let me see here
okay let's try one more time let's do
this
okay what do you see now
oh just a second
i'm trying to
do you see it you see it now
let me see
yes
is it moving
yes it is you're good now okay very good
not sure what happened but you know what
sometimes zoom can play some tricks on
you thank you for your patience out
there
okay quick question quick very quick
question
out there among you and you can go on
the chat to answer this who of you
is more courageous are you more
courageous
or
are your co-workers more courageous
so if you out there
and are you seeing the full screen here
now
i i see the slide deck on the side but
okay
well it works you can leave it it's fine
let's see if we can do it now
i wonder why that's doing that
it just advanced this way it's fine okay
anyway are you more courageous or are
your colleagues more courageous
and that's the question we want to be
able to answer here who is more
courageous
well i'm going to go here and tell you
something anyway let me get you oh oh
the chest the chest is lighting up let
me see co-workers co-workers co-workers
co-workers who is more courageous
co-workers co-workers
beth you're right it depends
but if you had a guest gina i should say
bethesda's right who is more courageous
i'm leaning
that's what she says but i'm leaning
towards
well i'll tell you really quickly who is
actually more courageous
and what research
shows and this is what research shows
and i'm going to try to do it like this
you don't see as much as the screen
there we go
on average
on average research shows
that employees think they're more
courageous than their coworkers
and the research is done on
employees that's what we do in business
we do research on individuals in
business
so 74 percent of employees think they're
actually more courageous so if that's
the case you might be asking yourself
so why are you here
why do we actually have this particular
presentation why are you here if you
truly believe you're more courageous
why even have this workshop
well here's the reasons why
and once again
i'm having difficulties
let's do this there we go
why are you here
well you're here because to be quite
honest with you the three hardest
conversations we face in our lives are
work related the three hardest
conversations that you have are at your
job
and they deal with these things
research shows for the average worker
all right
the hardest conversations 33 of them
have to do with salary
whether you have to ask for a salary
increase
or whether you have been asked to give
one
these are hard courageous conversations
31 of employees surveyed in a national
survey said the hardest conversation is
dealing with inappropriate behavior from
your co-workers
very difficult conversations to have
even though you may in fact think you're
more courageous
and then finally and all these are
really close together a third of the
average workers believe that when you
have to either give or receive
poor feedback on job performance
that is a stressful situation and it
needs a courageous conversation
now
what happens when people have these
courageous conversations well there is a
huge emotional toll
there is stress there is anxiety
even just knowing the conversation is
coming up 66 of these same
american workers said they feel stressed
even before they even have the
conversation and then that is why many
of them shy away from having the
conversation
the anxiety and stress prior to having
it
hey
why do we shy away from this
conversation what makes perfect sense of
number one reason that we shy away from
these conversations number one
research shows is fear
and what are the main causes of fear
main causes of fear what are those
causes of fear but for the most part
and this is the same
average american worker
not knowing how the other person will
respond causes a lot of stress
causes to shy away from having
courageous conversations
43
then there's an issue of communication
31 of the work of workers out there
they're really worried about am i able
to able to get my point across
to the person i'm having this courageous
conversation about whether it be about
pay
inappropriate behavior or feedback on
the job
another area where people are are our
causes people to be fearful is i don't
want to be in a confrontational
situation how many of us get up in the
morning and say wow i can't wait to go
to work
and have a conversation with a colleague
and it's going to be confrontational
this causes us to shy away from those
difficult conversations
and another thing that causes us and
causes a lot of fear is we don't want to
get upset or emotional and we don't want
the other person to get upset or
emotional
that is tied almost with
not being able to get the point across
and being in a confrontational situation
and finally
we don't want to get us that once again
and we don't want the other person to
get upset if you put those two
percentages together the vast majority
of folks have a lot of fear
and it has a lot to do with emotions
so how can we stop this
how can we stop all this fear and have
a conflict have a constructive
courageous conversation
but first it has to find what is a
courageous conversation
and
christina mentioned i have a law degree
so what i always try to do is to make
sure that i give foundational
definitions
so we're all on the same page for this
particular workshop a courageous
conversation
is a discussion between two or more
people
two or more people
you can't have this conversation just
with yourself
where number one the stakes are high
so this workshop is going to be dealing
with those conversations you have with
another person or more where the stakes
are high
and you know going into this
conversation
that opinions are going to differ
that people are not going to perhaps
agree
with you
and third a courageous conversation
stakes are high opinions are different
will differ
and
strong emotions are present at
the onset or before the conversation
and finally strong emotions are
happening during the conversation this
is
a courageous conversation okay
now
how can you have this conversation that
knowing for the most part what people
will deal with is conflict
that conflict is where individuals
opinions differ
so you're having this courageous
conversation when there is is
conflict disagreement
and most importantly what this conflict
and please focus on this
conflict is where there's a disagreement
to which parties involved and the key
word is perceived
they perceive a threat
maybe they don't even know if a threat
is there but because opinions differ
they perceive that there's going to be a
threat to three things
their needs or your needs
their interest or your interests
their concerns or your concerns
a threat to a need is something that
typically is quantifiable it's what is
what you really really want
all right and you think there's going to
be disagreement that i want one thing
and the other party wants something else
now an interest a perceived threat to an
interest is a threat to why you want it
and this is really where conflict comes
in
why do you want what you want
typically drives those emotions you're
afraid that the why won't be satisfied
and or there's a threat to
your concerns or their concerns
now i'm going to go through what i call
a typical
courageous conversation
you decide i'm going to have this
courageous conversation
and you want to start out nice
you start out nice you really planned it
and then you get past the greetings you
get into the courageous part the part
was conflict
and then because of that
it starts to turn fierce okay and this
is how it goes okay
let's start with a small print here
you start the conversation like this
what's wrong here can we just get along
and the other person says well you know
no big deal
i should just let it go
there's no need to make a fuss
well then you respond saying and this is
where we start still crazes
i was kind of hoping it wouldn't come to
this
but i guess i better speak up before it
gets too late
uh-oh
before it gets too late what does that
trigger the other person emotions and
they respond well look
before i hear what you have to say i'm
gonna talk may i be totally honest with
you
and then you come back and your
emotions
and you say wait a minute thanks for
sharing your perspective although you
haven't heard the perspective you're
saying now may i share mine get a little
fierce in here
the other person says well let me start
by telling you where i'm coming from on
this and then i want to hear from you
what's the response i know it's going to
hurt but i don't know how else to tell
you this and anytime you hear i don't
know how to tell you this you know
you're getting emotional you really
ought to know the other person says okay
okay
i have to be brutally honest here with
you really honest uh-oh
and then finally hey look i'm just
saying what's true
if you can't handle it that's your
problem and by the way we haven't had a
conversation
there's been perceived threats all over
the place
no one has shared
what is wrong and what is going on and
at that point you have this
a huge explosion the relationship blows
up
it's atomic
and that's why people
actually veer away from or fearful of
having
courageous conversations
so i'm going to go through a series of
slides and talk to you on how to
facilitate and engage in courageous
conversations
where there are really strong feelings
there are differences of opinions
right and emotions are high
now first thing i'm going to ask you to
do in this is you got in um as an
attachment from christina your conflict
management style and i would say this is
your conflict management
preference
your confidence management
preference and if i could just for a
second i'm going to ask you all to do
something
okay
if you have a pencil or pen and a piece
of paper i want you to use it
and even if you don't have a pencil or
pen i want you to use your finger and i
want you to
do this
sign your name
just sign your name on a piece of paper
like you were signing a contract in the
old days we used to have checks just
sign your name
and if you don't have a piece of paper
use the hand that you usually use
to sign your name
are we all doing that
give me your hands up give me a thumbs
up are we signing our name out there
thank you thank you lizzy i like that
thank you thank you thank you just sign
your name
now take that pin
or your finger or your hand and move it
to the other hand
and sign your name
use the other hand or if you're using
your hand sign your name
now typically if i was there in person
i'd be hearing groans and moans
and head shaking
seriously you know you did it jenny
did you feel comfortable when you
switched hands
no
did you really like how it felt when you
switched hands
no
no
now did you like how it looked when you
switched hands
no
he says thumbs down and that is really
bpc i like that face thank you anyway
that is really now i gotta figure out
where i was on the other slideshow here
i'm gonna go back to the slideshow here
there we go
that is really the just of
a preference
a preference is what you do
when you don't even think about it
naturally
so when we go through these five
preferences in conflict management it's
like being right hand or left hand if
you had your natural preference your way
and it's built on your predisposition
it's built on how everything from values
how your race your personality but if
you had your way
to handle a courageous conversation what
style would you use and what styles make
you uncomfortable especially if the
other person is using that style
okay
so the very first style that comes up
on that assessment you have is
accommodating
there are some of you all who are
natural teddy bear
a natural teddy bear
now next accommodating folks
and actually i call this a hoosier
persona we are known in
indiana
for being accommodating and being very
much into hospitality
and what teddy bears do is they ignore
their needs
and they resolve conflict by focusing on
the other person's needs
okay
they give in to others
they're not very assertive
they're very cooperative they they win
the relationship and they lose whatever
is the nature of the
confrontation
now teddy bears just like all teddy
bears are wonderful to have because who
doesn't want to be around somebody who
wants to maintain great relationships
however if you're having a
confrontational
or i should say a courageous
conversation if you need to have a
courageous conversation this
conversation for the teddy bear will
probably not be very productive because
they're always giving in
and if a person
has a different style
they may take advantage of the teddy
bear
okay
now you may be and i actually i like
this style because it's not me
not by nature i want to say this a
collaborative
negotiation style
is a preference for basically finding
win-win solutions
you focus on the goals and the
relationships
now i just admitted to you that
naturally i'm going to talk about i'm
competitive we're getting there
naturally if i have my way i'm
competitive but if you are going to be
excellent at having courageous
conversations you have to be right hand
left-handed in other words
i have to learn
when and how to be collaborative because
that might be the best
strategy the best confrontational
management style
now the advantage from being
collaborative and we all need to be
collaborative
to be the most successful and courageous
conversation even though that may not be
our preference
is that both sides get what they want
but the disadvantage is this takes a lot
of time
it does and it takes both parties
agreeing to be collaborative
if the other party is not going to be
collaborative if the other party is
going to be competitive this won't work
so this takes a lot of upfront before
the conversation
the
very courageous conversation to build
trust
but if both parties can agree to be
collaborative you usually usually will
expand the options to have
a great conversation and and basically
actually don't need courage because
you'll have a win-win
the next style is the competitive style
and i said i admit if i have my way i am
competitive i love sports by nature yes
i'm a shark i admit it i'm a shark
there are some good things about having
sharks on your team it's good to be
competitive it's the american way
actually especially in business
sharks
put relationships however at the lowest
priority and in business that's not
always good especially if you have to
work with these individuals on a day-in
day-out basis
the sharks have a need to win almost at
any cost
they come across as being autocratic
authoritarian and uncooperative
threatening intimidating
now
there's advantages of having sharks in
courageous conversations and sometimes
if you have a certain rule for instance
somebody has to be at work on time
there really can't be no collaboration
you may have to be a shark in that
confrontational situation
so if your decision is right and being
competitive
then this is the best way to go
but remember if you're a shark all the
time in every courageous conversation no
matter
all right your goal
you might bring hostility
and resentment
towards you in the workplace
and finally there's this other style
here and this is called avoiding and we
all know folks like this oh no we're not
going to have a conversation not at all
no conversation
i hear no evil see no evil speak no evil
i really am going to avoid
any kind of confrontation that takes
courage or potential confrontation
now there's an advantage sometimes to be
a turtle
sometimes you really want to maintain
the relationship
at all costs so you walk away
and there's some confrontations maybe
you should walk away it may not be worth
the risk
but the disadvantage is if there's real
conflict there
that needs to be resolved somebody's
coming to work late all the time
and you avoid
all right that courageous conversation
that person will continue to come to
work late
and be quite honest with you you won't
gain a lot of respect
even when you try to go back and have
uh a collaborative
conversation or competitive conversation
the person just walks away because they
know that by nature you avoid
so i'm going to go with this particular
screen and this is the screen and i know
you have a pdp pdf of this and christine
has it i try to tell folks if there was
any uh a powerpoint slide that i would
keep and put away in a drawer somewhere
this is it
it's good to know what your style is you
now know what your style is but it's
even better i think but you know when to
use it
or when to use another style
so i'm going to show you really quickly
this matrix that can help you
in learning how and when
to use
the styles we didn't go through
compromise compromise is usually a
person who likes to go 50 50.
so when should you use the style
well if you look at this
this quadrant here
on the left side you see
the importance of the relationship from
low
to high
on the bottom okay
going horizontally you'll see
the importance of the outcome
low to high
so
in trying to select a strategy or a
management style
and you need to prepare this before you
go into the courageous conversation
there's two things you need to think
about
how important number one how important
is this relationship
to me and the other person at the end of
this conversation how important is it
very very important or not important
number one
the number two as you prepare for this
courageous conversation
you think to yourself how important is
the outcome
and then you jot that down
how important is the relationship how
important is the outcome
now using this this quadrant here if the
relationship at the end of this
conversation courageous conversation if
it's not important to you at all
and you really don't care
very low importance on the outcome of
this conversation
it may be a good idea to avoid it i mean
you don't have a relationship with the
person and you don't want to and you
really don't care about the subject
matter you're going to talk about and
near do they
well why even have
why even have this conversation
okay that's not a courageous
conversation that's an unproductive one
next you think to yourself well wait a
minute this relationship charlotte is
extremely high at the end of the day i
have to work with this person i want to
have a good working rapport and
relationship
and you know what i really
ah the outcome is not as important to me
it may be more important to them but
it's not important to me
if that is the scenario then you are
going to use the accommodating
resolution or strategy for your
courageous conversation you're going to
actually lose the outcome
give up something on the outcome because
you're working to win
and maintain a good relationship
okay
that's when you want to be accommodate
within that courageous conversation
now what if you say well the
relationship is extremely high to me at
the end of the day at the end this
conversation i want and the other person
wants to have a great relationship
and
we both want to have a good outcome
that's when collaboration works up here
with the wise old out
this is a win-win we win the
relationship and we win the outcome it
takes a little bit more time it takes
agreement from both of us
but that's the way to go
on how we work through
any conflict we have
and have a courageous conversation and
finally that finally
almost finally
if you really don't care about the
relationship
at the end of the day think about the
last time you bought a car from a
stranger
or you sold a car to a stranger
or perhaps you bought or sold a house to
a perfect stranger not someone in your
family or friend
the end of the day the relationship may
not be as important as you're trying to
work through who's paying closing costs
or how much money you have to put down
or what are you gonna have when car as
far as options that the relationship is
not that important you want the best
deal and the other party wants the best
deal
outcome is very important to you the
price is very important too delivery is
very important to you
now you're going to want to be
competitive
okay
now you're going to want to be
competitive and there are sometimes even
within the workplace
this is important
however be careful see where this arrow
goes to rob and khan and there should be
a little corner here and competitors
call unethical
the unethical behavior become too
competitive not caring about the other
party and then there actually are things
that are illegal
like robbie and connie when someone
calls you on the phone and says i got a
great deal for you all you got to do is
give me your social security number they
don't care about you
they just want a high outcome of your
money
now in the middle here is compromise
you probably think that's a good
strategy it's good it can be
accommodating collaborative we can avoid
it actually might even be competitive
but be careful on a compromise
only split the difference
okay on something that's not going to
cost you a lot if you're offering it and
only accept the split
if what the half you're getting means
something to you
so that's compromise
alrighty
are there any questions in regards to
the strategies
i'm gonna go here any questions okay
quick question
if for those of you who have a spouse or
partner or even a child and remember the
good old days we used to go to a movie
what if that partner's
spouse or child wanted to go to a movie
and you really didn't want to see it but
you went anyway
i'm going to stop to share
what of all these styles would you be
using i'm going to go back to share for
a minute would you be using
accommodating collaborative competitive
or
avoiding
and you put this in the chat
okay
let me see what i'm going to do here on
the chat here
okay let's see we got a chat it looks
like a comedy oh yeah christina this is
this is a smart group absolutely if
you're in my class you all would have
got 100
yes you would lose
use accommodating
um but let me guess you another question
what if you did this time after time
after time you always gave in
right because you're losing what
maybe two hours at a movie because you
want a relationship with this person
but what if
you finally finally did this
and then you turn competitive
what do you think would have let's say
you're doing it with your spouse or your
partner and you're accommodating just to
go along going along and then maybe
after a year or two of these awful
movies you say that's it i've had it
i've always wanted to tell you i hate
these movies i'm going to my movie what
would happen to the relationship at that
point
stop sharing going to the chat
what would happen to the relationship oh
like that if you choose a dinner yeah
compromising they would be mad at you
yes laura remember that atomic bomb
remember that
i need to establish some boundaries yeah
rachel
it would likely hurt no it would
actually if you did this for a long long
time it would do more than that when
people actually trust you
sometimes when we accommodate and all of
a sudden we turn competitive people are
like who are you
i thought i knew you
i thought you were accommodating
so what i'm trying to say with this is
it's great to be accommodating and
accommodating accommodating but be
careful
be careful
because if you're too accommodating in
business and in relationships and all of
a sudden you have to be competitive a
person will actually not trust you as
much
sometimes it is good to actually
work toward collaboration and if you
have to tell someone you gotta be at
work on time and then all of a sudden
the boss tells you look you're letting
so and so slip and the next day you say
to other person well i know i've been
letting you come in to work late for the
last two years but now if you come in
late you'll get fired
relationships are really ruined at that
point so be careful with comedy and i
say that because accommodating is what
most of us are actually and a lot of us
who are females especially we are
encouraged to be extremely accommodating
and then sometimes we have to be
competitive and people really think what
is going on here
okay
let's do this let's go with uh how good
are you at reading people let's see how
much time we have what we got we got to
run
so greeting people is this
and you're in you're in a courageous
conversation and you see this person how
many of you all think that she's happy
with how the conversation is going
and how many of you all think she's not
happy so if you're happy say happy not
happy say not happy in the chat
let's see what's going on in the chat
she's happy happy happy
well yeah
happy happy somebody said not happy oh
let me go back up let me see who said
not happy
[Music]
marissa
you are probably more right than wrong
and you know why
look at her eyes
i teach negotiations
there's one thing that
doesn't contract or contracts naturally
when you smile and that's your eyes when
you smile unless you have a lot of botox
and don't do too much botox because
nobody's gonna trust you when you smile
and you really need it
crinkles of your eyes
your eyes will crinkle
your eyes will sparkle
she is smiling and there's nothing wrong
with her smile she may be smiling and
let you know to continue talking she may
be smiling in order to be polite but it
doesn't mean she's happy and it doesn't
mean she is agreeing with you so when
you're having this courageous
conversation make sure you ask questions
even of the smiling face
that's tip number one okay just ask
questions and ascertain and make sure
the person really is happy with how
things are going okay and i know you've
all seen this if you've ever done it
you've seen your child or a partner
spouse or friend you've seen a picture
of them when they were faking that smile
the reason you knew the foul would smile
was fake because their eyes gave it away
okay
next
uh what about this person
how do you think the conversation is
going for this person not so good
well it's not going so good what parts
of the face tell you that the
conversation is not going well what do
you see on his face can tell you it's
not going well you put that in the chat
eyebrows eyebrows eyebrows he looks
worried forehead he's losing the game
yep sweaty yep
yeah this is this is a hand on the mouth
this is that yeah eyebrows lifted
covering now it could be there's no air
conditioning in the room you'll need to
check ray's eyebrows the hand on the
mouth but obviously
even his glasses are even foggy
he's thinking
but his body is giving away rachel he's
thinking his body you're giving away
potential clues of
anger or disappointment
because the body temperature raises when
we're angry and if you look very
carefully in his glasses they're fogging
up that's and his face is a little red
and even for dark complexion folks folks
like myself
when we get you know the anger comes up
we get heated that's why that's what i
mean by are you getting heated
so this is a sign the conversation may
be getting a little bit on the
confrontational side and then finally
what do you think about this young lady
how things going well
in this particular courageous
conversation how many things people
think on the chat that things are going
well
i like it leaning toward yeah a little
tense you're right focused
yeah very focused
attentive
smug
you know something
i like it complacent competitive this is
the most difficult one to read you know
what you all could be right this is what
i call the mona lisa
i teach my negotiators to use this
because nobody can really get what
you're thinking
and so once again this is the one where
you've got to ask some more probing
questions make sure a person understands
make sure there's agreement this is the
best what i call whole professional
poker face and i really do train people
to use this in negotiations
all right
it also helps if you have to use it if
you're surprised you don't show it if
you're confused you don't show it
it is called what i call the mona lisa
so yes once again all the things you
said could be all those emotions so
that's why you need to ask questions and
maybe change your negotiation approach
very good
now
third what do you do
like three what do you really want and
we gotta move it just a little bit as
far as the next step so one your style
you know your style two you have to be
able to read people
three
know the negotiation
what it is you really want and also know
that what you want may come through and
show
in your emotions
are you overly eager
you have to know depending on what you
really want how does your body react
what happens if you're stumped and you
can't get what you want
conflict and courageous conversation
emotion is always there courageous
conversation is an emotive sport
sometimes your tensions tend to rule the
more you know about what you really want
the more you plan about what your
strategy is going to be
the more you understand that you can be
read based on your non-verbals the
better you'll be for your preparing for
your negotiation
next okay
feedback
and this is the one we talked about in
the very beginning i think it was 31
time for 31 and 30 percent of folks have
the most fear the most emotion the most
negativity when they think about
giving or receiving
feedback on a performance
so we're going to go there
uh now before i go into this let's think
about feedback this way i try to pick
pictorials on my powerpoints that
actually kind of display or represent
that yes indeed feedback does help us
grow
but you have to be careful in your
courageous conversation how you give
that feedback and you also need to be
just just as cognizant on how you
receive the feedback okay
so let's start out with this
even though we know that feedback is a
positive thing it helps us grow
we basically for the most part avoid it
and that's what the research showed so
i'm going to give you some tips on how
to give feedback in a courageous
conversation and then tips on how to
actually receive feedback so the
conversation is very very productive
okay
all right
first thing you want to do when you are
giving feedback
all right while you're giving the
feedback is you clearly understand what
is the problem
take all emotions out of it
what is the real issue maybe this person
has done things in the past that maybe
have gotten you emotionally hooked or
bothered
but is that the real issue
okay
when you give feedback you want to
ground yourself and you want this is you
most people are like you know charlotte
tell me what to do for for the other
person how i can control the other
person the first person you have to
control and giving feedback is you
what gets you hooked the other person
may know it are there certain phrases
that get you hooked is it when someone
rolls their eyes all of a sudden your
emotions tend to go up
what are things that are bothering you
and getting you hooked and then you got
to unhook or d undetached those
i mean when i'm giving feedback and
someone rolls their eyes i'm like say
what no
if they roll their eyes that's their
problem
we have an issue to resolve in this
courageous conversation and i will not
let that take me off track
ground yourself if you have any
assumptions and you don't have all the
facts get rid of the assumptions
any assumptions
things like i know this person is going
to be able to take this courageous
conversation well because they are such
a such a strong person they may be
having an awful day or something at home
tragic has happened
or really you're making assumptions
about how they're going to receive
things
what are your emotions
and why
deal with your emotions before you work
with others
make sure you write down i tell people
write this down what is the purpose of
this conversation
and plan how will i start it
there's really nothing worse i think
sometimes to start a courageous
conversation with how's the weather
this is not about the weather i'm going
to give you some tips too on how to do
this conversation the next slide too as
well i actually give you a script
and then finally
just make sure you get a sense of you
know if i have this conversation what do
i want to happen what will probably
happen but maybe what will happen if i
don't have it
and if the answer is very little then
you know what small relationship outcome
right small outcome you need to avoid it
now how do we receive
feedback
and receiving feedback and giving
feedback i'm going to give you a
scenario and this is a value statement
that'll help you with both
both of these as far as receiving
feedback and giving feedback will help
once again
take a picture of this
save this slide
research shows it works
when i coach individuals they come back
and tell me it works i've had some of my
clients use this on their three or four
year old
child at home or grandchild and they say
it works
write this down
two sentences
articulate your values and giving and
receiving feedback with two sentences
i am
or i believe or i feel
blank
when you
blank
because period
i would prefer that now i will tell you
why this is so important these two
sentences
usually in a courageous conversation
we're really ready to tell the person
what's wrong so when i talk to my
students i'll say i
all right
i am
distracted
and i believe you're being disrespectful
when you come to class late
because when you come in the door slams
and makes a lot of noise and my students
and our student evaluations tell me that
distracts their learning
that typically is where most people
would stop you tell the person what's
the problem
but that's not a courageous conversation
a courageous conversation is when you
tell the other party what you would
prefer
now you have action
so you tell the party what you feel
needs to change
because of why it needs to change and
then you say
i would prefer
that if you come to class late you sit
in the back row
and be as quiet as possible if there's a
seat
and then you stop the conversation stop
what you're saying that point and then
you listen
once again most courageous conversations
turn fierce with just the first sentence
so what's the other part is supposed to
do
but isn't it all about you wanting to
change
the other parties either actions or
beliefs
and you want to actually give them a
chance to dismiss the conflict you do
that by giving them a choice of what you
want
i would prefer that
this is a very powerful way of giving
and receiving feedback and additionally
when you receive feedback make sure and
i'm gonna go through the last six
minutes with this
when you're receiving feedback
okay
please pay attention
to
triggers
we judge ourselves by our intentions and
others by their actions
make sure as you're listening to the
feedback
you're actually listening to the
feedback
all right and not reacting to the
emotions that are attached to the
feedback
okay
try to detach yourself from any internal
triggers lean in
and listen
also too when you're receiving feedback
we typically we resist it and this is
where the courage comes in or people say
i don't have the courage to do it
because i don't think they're going to
actually receive it
we resist feedback if we think it's
wrong
that's natural and we often take offense
and get angry because we believe it's
wrong but see the questions on the right
this diffuses the emotion and this truth
trick trigger
diffuses the emotion so you can listen
more
maybe turn away from being more
competitive to be more accommodating or
collaborative ask yourself these
questions or two questions
where is this feedback coming from
is it coming from a real
quantifiable demonstrative something
that you know basically i did
where is it coming from is it coming
from someone who is
been a supportive coach is it coming
from someone who even knows the
situation
if they don't know the situation of
course the feedback is wrong
but you ask yourself these questions and
then number two you ask is it coming
from a place of
appreciation sometimes people will tell
you
or give you hard truth
because i appreciate the fact that you
might change
another person may be giving you the
hard truth and feedback because they're
trying to coach you and help you grow
or perhaps this is an evaluation and the
only way you're going to grow is to know
the truth
understand the type of feedback
and then ask clarifying questions like
where is it coming from
is this appreciation are you evaluating
me are you trying to get me to grow
be sure you understand
what the person is trying to tell you
and then most importantly to understand
the why
especially in the relationship we also
resist feedback we think the person is
giving it
they have questionable motives
we don't trust their motives and they
lack credibility because they don't know
the facts
so in those cases where you're resisting
the feedback because of that we think
the person is doing it because their
motives are questionable or they lack
credibility ask these two questions
maybe both both of us have something
we've both done something at fault here
maybe both of us have contributed to
this type of feedback that is
questionable
or last credibility so have i given any
kind of input or my actions contributed
to this feedback
and the relationship type of trigger
make sure you're clear on your roles are
you my supervisor are you my co-worker
are you my friend
are you my
colleague
all right in this relationship what are
our roles
and are these roles inherently in
conflict with one another
that's a deep one are they inherently in
conflict with each other as far as the
roles
all right
if someone is giving you feedback that's
questionable who's a co-worker
what what is their role in this
it was someone who's your supervisor
what is their role in this is there a
conflict there
very important question to ask
and then finally a trigger that help
that makes us resist um feedback is when
we feel attacked
and we feel attacked on a personal level
we're going to resist that feedback
now
even when this happens
even when this happens it's very
important to control your emotions and
notice how you're feeling
put on that mona lisa smile
they're attacking you personally
but you cannot lose the ability to focus
and think you're you're reacting based
on what we call the limbic part of your
brain that's attached to your spine and
that's attached to emotions and feelings
versus the frontal lobe
separate your feelings
separate the story they're telling you
and separate any feedback that you're
going to get from your emotions this is
where calm really comes into play i love
you all our football fans i'm a huge
football fan but back in the day when
tony dungy used to coach the
indianapolis colts and there was a bad
call against his team i never saw him
lose
his temper publicly
never did
now those eyes could kill i'm telling
them sidelines
but this is where you really have to
pull yourself together when you're being
personally attacked force yourself to
consider the struggles of the person
maybe the problem is them and not you
have empathy
all right protect yourself with the
truth but don't let your emotions
play into it
and then as we're coming towards the end
you need to stop
and listen
feedback is the most difficult one of
the most difficult ways to have a
courageous conversation especially when
you're receiving it so you have to
listen it through
don't think about the reply
before you even hear all of it listen
mona lisa face watch for your
non-verbals
and watch for the nonverbals 86 of
communication is non-verbal
so you've got to watch that and make
sure you have fully understand the
feedback
also ask either beginning the
conversation or at the end of this
courageous conversation can you have the
ability to ask clarifying questions and
i would call it clarifying questions now
i have some questions i want to ask you
i demand to be able to respond and i'll
say you know i need clarity can you help
me
i need clarity can you help me
and then finally
what about your comfort zone
courageous conversations can be and
often are
uncomfortable
but that's the biggest opportunity for
grow and i use this picture because this
is a real picture of a little plant that
was in my driveway or very much similar
to it impatient it was very similar to
that the little sea fell on the crack
from the year before a pot i had
and it grew and grew
and a little crack that little seed and
that little plant was very uncomfortable
but it was determined to grow even in a
tight situation
so yes
it is difficult but there could be a
great opportunity to grow and finally
honest disagreement is often a good sign
of progress
courageous conversations usually are
great signs of progress so i'll stop
that now and give you all time to do
questions and also say thank you for
having me i know i want to go on a
minute over and i'm sure some of you
have to get back to work but are there
any
questions
you all got courage now
yes
okay christina well thank you all this
was one thank you
thank you thank you ah
all you are out there you're quite
welcome
i'm seeing some of the i'm seeing some
of the comments in the chat you're quite
oh you're quite welcome it was
oh my gosh
thank you charlotte this was fantastic
it's i think it's just what we needed to
hear at the start of the new year too so
very appropriate to get us moving
forward um so uh thank you again for
participating being our speaker on
courageous con conversations
and um as always this this is being
recorded and it will be uploaded to our
youtube channel and i just want to
remind everybody to check us check our
facebook page um follow us on facebook
instagram and also look into our website
we just launched our website with um the
first of the year so
feedback's encouraged and thank you all
for participating have a great day bye